Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
