You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
