I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
