After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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