i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
