I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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