The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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