I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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