The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
