addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
