I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
