Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
