He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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