My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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