I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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