once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
