do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Two words: nipple clamps
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