Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
