I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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