my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
