Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
