I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
