I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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