You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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