if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
