porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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