I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
