I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
