He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
