I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
