I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
