I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
