You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
