i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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