You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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