Buhtt sex?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
