yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
