need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
