watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
