All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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