woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize
