She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
