Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
