Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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