Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
