grandma shit on top of the toilet
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Randomize
