I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
