Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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