a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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