I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
