Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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