I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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